Okay, I admit it, I expect a minimum amount of competence when I deal with twits on a daily basis. If you sling burgers for a living, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect you to be able to stack two buns and a patty with cheese, instead of handling me a jigsaw puzzle of cheese and grease. Evidently I’m not alone, the aircraft mechanics have little patience with the pilots…
| Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. | Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer |
| Something loose in cockpit. | Something tightened in cockpit. |
| Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. | Almost replaced left-inside main tyre. |
| Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. | Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs. |
| Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. | Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar. |
| Mouse in cockpit. | Cat installed. |
| Target radar hums. | Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. |
| Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] | Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search. |
| Pilot’s clock inoperative. | Wound clock. |
| Aircraft handles funny. | Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious. |
| Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. | Pilot removed from aircraft. |
| Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. | Took hammer away from midget. |
| Suspected crack in windshield. | Suspect you are right. |
| IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe, or maybe Interchange Format File? Let me know] | IFF always inoperative in ‘off’ mode. |
| Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. | Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft. |
| No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] | Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle. |
| Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. | Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn! |
| Dead bugs on windshield. | Live bugs on back order. |
| Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. | Cannot reproduce problem on ground. |
| Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. | Evidence removed. |
| Three roaches in cabin. | One roach killed, one wounded, one got away. |
| DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?] | DME volume set to more believable level. |
| No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. | No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. |
| Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. | That’s what they are for. |
For this and other funny stuff, check out: http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm
