How to Tell if a Website Sucks

There are a few cardinal sins regularly committed by some webmasters. You’d think it would be obvious by now that pissing off your visitors is not a good way to bring in traffic, however we have some knuckleheads who think the following is okay. It is not.

1. Audio Ads - NO. I DO NOT WANT THAT #@$@#$ ipod. I could probably use some Depends after my speakers knocked me out of my chair at 2am. Asshole.

2. Resize my windows - Thanks, I needed a 2×2 inch square which I can’t read. Appreciate that. I also like the way you removed the close window X. I’m leaving rakes all over your backyard, how about you take a long walk back there while blindfolded?

3. Flashing Ads - I can’t read your content because you have some woman doing the Macarena about mortgage loans in the color to a Technicolor background. With the way mortgages are going lately, you should probably have porn up, it would more accurately describe the housing market.

4. Pop ups - Sure they make made an entire class of software just to get rid of that crap, and the newer browsers block it automatically. People must really like it though, so leave those up. Someone should crush a box of crackers in your bed. Oh wait, it’s a pop under, that’s much better. If you put a dog turd under the rug it’s much more welcome.

5. Slide ins - The pop up’s bastard cousin, the ad that slides over what your were reading and you can’t close it. Sure, I’m here for your content, let’s hide that. I like playing close the crappy window. Hear the doorbell? Flaming bag-o-dog-crap-o-gram- addressed to webmaster…

Moving from annoying to deserving a beating…

6. Spyware/viruses- For the technical folks you’re just a pain in the ass as we have to clean that crap off. For my Grandma you’re the equivalent of a cybermugger- someone needs to smack you in the chops with a beer mug. One smack for every hour I have to spend cleaning up Gram’s computer. And I’m hiding her teeth for clicking that damn “check for virus” popup that installed a trojan that wasted my Saturday cleaning up. Well maybe not, but by God you deserve a kick in the nuts for knocking over elderly folks on the net.

7. Email harvesting- Spam. Bah, you should be buried under a mountain of the canned meat product, one tub at a time. Everyone who has to clean that junk out gets to throw a can. Better yet, let the punishment fit the crime. Spammers should get one hour of incarceration for each hour they waste. Of EVERYONE’S time. So you send spam/virus that costs 250,000 system administrators eight hours to clean up? Couple hundred years in jail. Sounds fair to me…