Okay, I admit it, I’m not responsible enough to own a motorcycle.  It’s just too easy to roll back on the throttle and watch the assholes go away…  I did own one a long time ago, here’s one of Lope’s favorite stories…

Back when I first got the bike I spent some time cleaning it up.  Typical car stuff, wash, clean the mirrors, etc.  Anyway, I put some armor all on the seat- I noticed it looked like it had never been done before.  No excuse for lack of maintenance I thought to myself, and slathered a double layer on the seat.  Well I was late for work and it’s a race bike.  And I had racing leathers.  And I was stationed in the middle of the desert with lots of flat, straight roads.  So you can imagine how I rode it.  Anyway, I carefully pulled out of the parking lot at 5 mph…  Yeah fucking right…  I kicked that bitch, jumped on and cranked the throttle all the way back.  It was a 750, and had some balls, usually this particular maneuver got me up to about 60 in about 7 or 8 seconds.  Exactly as before, the needle smoothly slid up to 60, however something was amiss.  You see I learned a valuable lesson.  Armor All makes leather and vinyl SLICK.  Not just a little slippery, but greased pig on Teflon slick.  And my balls, which were somewhat bigger before this incident, were not firmly lodged against the tank like they were supposed to be when the bike is happily headed toward 100, but were resting on top of the taillight.  I had a good hold on the handlebars (damn good thing), so I looked something like superman as the bike tore ass down the road, dragging my hands, arms and the rest of me for the ride, and the seat was about 2 feet in front of me instead of where it should have been.  I managed to carefully roll off the throttle and avoid some pavement surfing but I learned why that seat had never been Armor All’d before.

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"Pit the Twit on a Bike" by was published on January 7th, 2007 and is listed in Assorted Twits, Driving.

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