If anyone knows the original author of these colorful metaphors, let me know and we’ll credit him- Pit

Memo from HR
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer been tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
    I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
    You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
 

2) TRY SAYING:
    She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
    She’s a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING:
    Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
    And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
    I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
    No fucking way.
5) TRY SAYING:
    Really?
INSTEAD OF:
    You’ve got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING:
    Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
    Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING:
    I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
    It’s not my fucking problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
    That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
    What the fuck?
9) TRY SAYING:
    I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
    This shit won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
    I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
    Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
    He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
    He’s got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING:
    Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
    Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
    So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
    Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING:
    I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
    Fuck it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
    I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
    Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING:
    I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
    This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
    You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
    Who the hell died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
    He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
    He’s a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources
 

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"A Little Help from HR" by was published on January 27th, 2007 and is listed in Assorted Twits, Work.

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