Hey man, whatcha in for? 
I robbed an old lady at knife point. 
How about you? 
I slapped a cop.
Oh…what’d he do, step on your skirt?

Yes, it’s official, a twit has actually managed to force an aircraft to land with her stupidity.  Ripped one in first class, and then lit a match to cover the stench.  Sheer genius.  She’s in a pressurized can at 30,000 feet, with bunch of nervous people ready to put a righteous beatdown on anyone who wants that plane to land anywhere but on the runway on time.  Yep, that’s a great time to light a match.  So you smell like crap- hell we’re used to that- for God sakes don’t set anything on fire.  Anybody want to bet on how long it will take them to ban matches?  Next thing you know we’ll be flying naked.

For this and other funny stuff, check out: http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm

 

I fly. A lot.  And it sucks.  A lot.  Some things can be fixed, some things are just the result of “Twit Magnetism”.  I now relate the story of why I will never enter another Southwest Airbus- even if my nuts are stapled to a cannon ball and shot into the seat.

It had been a long trip, and as I board the gate in Denver I hear music.  Not over  the PA, but live music.  Okay, that’s different, and it wasn’t too bad.  There were two guitarists and a singer, playing softly as we boarded the plane.  That was okay, weird, but okay.  Now when I fly I like to be left the hell alone- so I usually bring something to read, work on, etc.  I find the constant prattle of the flight crew annoying- yes I can latch my own seat belt fuck you very much- if I can’t I’ll improve the gene pool by moving to first class at 200 miles an hour if we crash.   Anyway I’ve heard the flight announcements several hundred times.  Anyway first it was the head stewardess (yes I know they like flight attendant- I like Serving Wenches, we’ll compromise on stewardess).  Then the copilot, and finally the captain.  They literally told us how long the flight was (an hour) FOUR times.  If you’d shut up and fly the plane, we’d have been there by now…

Anyway, the musicians boarded the plane.  Oh great, they’re flying with us.  I had no idea the special kind of hell SWA had planned.   We take off- blissful silence (other than the obligatory screaming infant)- and then, BONG…and now our in flight entertainment.  Just once I want them big titted girls to hand out beer and cigars- but no, they’re going to serenade us.  What?

They played over the PA system for the entire hour. When they were done there was weak applause from the back of the cabin- no doubt at the mercy of them finally stopping.  Captive audience is an understatement.  So screw you Southwest, I’m giving my $87, and $200 on top of it to Delta…

Anyway, as I stand in line behind the twit in front of me who has never heard that you can’t walk though a metal detector wearing 8 pounds of jewelry- I hear the TSA guys talking about new technology that creates a high resolution xray.  Except they can’t use it because some people are concerned about privacy.  If the damn thing works and I don’t have to spend two hours in line and remove my belt, shoes and get wanded by that big hairy guy I’m all for it.  Hell, make two lines- people who prefer to remain modest and wait and those of us who don’t give a shit about going commando on film to avoid spending the afternoon in line.  Look at the picture- it’s not like they’re going to know who you are anyway…