Humor, Funny Pictures, Stories and Video at Twitfall » Flying

Slap the Wrong Person

Pit — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 09:21:29 +0000

Oh man, sometimes they just write themselves. Drunk twit on a plane. Loud bastard, I’m sure you’ve sat near an idiot just like this before, I know I have. Guess who slapped an air marshal. Thank you God…I can see it now.

Hey man, whatcha in for?
I robbed an old lady at knife point.
How about you?
I slapped a cop.
Oh…what’d he do, step on your skirt?

Gaseous Emissions

Pit — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 17:00:03 +0000

Yes, it’s official, a twit has actually managed to force an aircraft to land with her stupidity. Ripped one in first class, and then lit a match to cover the stench. Sheer genius. She’s in a pressurized can at 30,000 feet, with bunch of nervous people ready to put a righteous beatdown on anyone who wants that plane to land anywhere but on the runway on time. Yep, that’s a great time to light a match. So you smell like crap- hell we’re used to that- for God sakes don’t set anything on fire. Anybody want to bet on how long it will take them to ban matches? Next thing you know we’ll be flying naked.

Twit Cleared for Landing

Pit — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 10:15:07 +0000

Okay, I admit it, I expect a minimum amount of competence when I deal with twits on a daily basis. If you sling burgers for a living, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect you to be able to stack two buns and a patty with cheese, instead of handling me a jigsaw puzzle of cheese and grease. Evidently I’m not alone, the aircraft mechanics have little patience with the pilots…

Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.	Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit.	Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.	Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.	Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.	Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.	Cat installed.
Target radar hums.	Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]	Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot’s clock inoperative.	Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny.	Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.	Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel – sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.	Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.	Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe, or maybe Interchange Format File? Let me know]	IFF always inoperative in ‘off’ mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.	Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]	Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.	Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.	Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.	Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.	Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.	One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]	DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.	No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.	That’s what they are for.

For this and other funny stuff, check out: http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm

Friendly Skies My Ass…

Pit — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 09:24:22 +0000

I fly. A lot. And it sucks. A lot. Some things can be fixed, some things are just the result of “Twit Magnetism”. I now relate the story of why I will never enter another Southwest Airbus- even if my nuts are stapled to a cannon ball and shot into the seat.

It had been a long trip, and as I board the gate in Denver I hear music. Not over the PA, but live music. Okay, that’s different, and it wasn’t too bad. There were two guitarists and a singer, playing softly as we boarded the plane. That was okay, weird, but okay. Now when I fly I like to be left the hell alone- so I usually bring something to read, work on, etc. I find the constant prattle of the flight crew annoying- yes I can latch my own seat belt fuck you very much- if I can’t I’ll improve the gene pool by moving to first class at 200 miles an hour if we crash. Anyway I’ve heard the flight announcements several hundred times. Anyway first it was the head stewardess (yes I know they like flight attendant- I like Serving Wenches, we’ll compromise on stewardess). Then the copilot, and finally the captain. They literally told us how long the flight was (an hour) FOUR times. If you’d shut up and fly the plane, we’d have been there by now…

Anyway, the musicians boarded the plane. Oh great, they’re flying with us. I had no idea the special kind of hell SWA had planned. We take off- blissful silence (other than the obligatory screaming infant)- and then, BONG…and now our in flight entertainment. Just once I want them big titted girls to hand out beer and cigars- but no, they’re going to serenade us. What?

They played over the PA system for the entire hour. When they were done there was weak applause from the back of the cabin- no doubt at the mercy of them finally stopping. Captive audience is an understatement. So screw you Southwest, I’m giving my $87, and $200 on top of it to Delta…

Fun and Games with TSA

Pit — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 14:38:30 +0000

I hate to fly. There’s lots of reasons- not the least of which is the security check. Taking nail clippers away from Grandma just isn’t going to stop planes from going down. Heavily armed air marshals and pilots with guns are a hell of a lot more likely. Pilot Announcement

Anyway, as I stand in line behind the twit in front of me who has never heard that you can’t walk though a metal detector wearing 8 pounds of jewelry- I hear the TSA guys talking about new technology that creates a high resolution xray. Except they can’t use it because some people are concerned about privacy. If the damn thing works and I don’t have to spend two hours in line and remove my belt, shoes and get wanded by that big hairy guy I’m all for it. Hell, make two lines- people who prefer to remain modest and wait and those of us who don’t give a shit about going commando on film to avoid spending the afternoon in line. Look at the picture- it’s not like they’re going to know who you are anyway…