“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
“It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
“You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

(Don’t ya love military time)

If I die in a combat zone
box me up and ship me home
pin my medals upon my chest
tell my momma I did my best
in my coffin I will lie
grounded to inspection side
sound off,1,2
sound off,3,4
bring it on down
1,2,3,4
1,2 … pause … 3,4!

—

I saw an old lady walkin’ down the street.
She had a chute on her back, and jump boots on her feet.
I said, “Hey, Old Lady, where you goin’ to?”
She said, “I’m goin’ to the Army Airborne School.”
I said, “Hey, Old Lady, I think you’re too old;
You’d better leave that stuff to the brave and the bold.”
She said, “Listen, Sonny, I’m talking to you;
I’m an instructor at the Airborne School.”

I saw the same old lady walkin’ down the street.
She had a pack on her back, jungle boots on her feet.
I said, “Hey, Old Lady, where you goin’ to?”
She said, “I’m goin’ to Marine Corps Recon School.”
I said, “Hey, Old Lady, I think you’re too old;
You’d better leave that stuff to the brave and the bold.”
She said, “Listen, Sonny, I’m talking to you;
I’m an instructor at the Recon School.”

I saw the old lady walkin’ down the street.
She had a tank on her back, and fins on her feet.
I said, “Hey, Old Lady, where you goin’ to?”
She said, “I’m goin to the Navy Diving School.”
I said, “Hey, Old Lady, I think you’re too old;
You’d better leave that stuff to the brave and the bold.”
She said, “Listen, Sonny, I’m talking to you;
I’m an instructor at the Diving School.”

I turned to leave, and she spun me around;
She kicked me in the head, and threw me to the ground.
I looked up through my tears, and with a voice full of fear,
I begged, “Please, Old Lady, don’t kill me right here.”
She said, “Listen, Sonny, don’t you mess with me;
I’m Airborne, Recon, and UDT!”

—

I had an old dog and his name was blue
blue wanta be a combat diver two
so I bought him a mask and four tiny fins
took him to the ocean and I threw his ass in

well blue came up to my surprise
with a shark in his teeth and a gleem in his eye
now old blues a combat diver too
dont mess with him or he’ll bite you

cus he’s hardcore
all the way
hardcore
every day
its who we are
its what we do
para
rescue
combat
controll
motivated
dedicated
armor plated
hydrated
always wet
never dry
love to run
ain’t no lie
hooya
hooya
hooya!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dodPR7h_ytI[/youtube]

Reminds me of another old joke:

A man was in a long line at the grocery store, and as he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, “One box of large condoms, Register 5.”

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, “One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.”

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said…

“Cleanup, Register 5!”

“Again this is the USS Montana requesting that you immediately divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.”
“Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.”
The American end of the conversation is now taken over by the ship’s captain.
“This is Captain Hancock. You will divert your course. Over.”
“Negative captain. I’m not moving anything. Change your course. Over.”
“Son. This is the USS Montana, the second largest vessel in the North Atlantic Fleet. You WILL change course fifteen degrees North or I will be forced to take measures to ensure the safety of this ship. Over!”
“This is a lighthouse mate. It’s your call… Hello… Captain?”

Navy veteran explains radar, popcorn and what they shouldn’t have in common here.