Memo from HR
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer been tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
    I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
    You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
 

2) TRY SAYING:
    She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
    She’s a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING:
    Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
    And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
    I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
    No fucking way.
5) TRY SAYING:
    Really?
INSTEAD OF:
    You’ve got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING:
    Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
    Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING:
    I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
    It’s not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
    That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
    What the fuck?
9) TRY SAYING:
    I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
    This shit won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
    I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
    Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
    He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
    He’s got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING:
    Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
    Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
    So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
    Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING:
    I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
    Fuck it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
    I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
    Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING:
    I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
    This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
    You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
    Who the hell died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
    He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
    He’s a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources
 

I spent a little over a decade in the Air Force- had to get out to take of a critically injured family member.  Anyway, during that time I learned a lot about discipline, honor and country.  I saw many exotic lands- met a bunch of people, some friendly, some not.  I saw some beautifully executed military operations and one or two clusterfucks.  I once saw innocent chocolate chip cookies slaughtered for no good reason…

I was on a remote deployment in a nameless South American country.  We were there 90 days at a time, a walk in the park compared to what the troops in the sandbox are doing now.  Anyway, as you can imagine, mail is a big deal with you’re out in the middle of the boondocks- and we were no exception.  Understand that this was also a rather hot location- and I’m not talking about the temperature.  We were careful and there were some credible threats out there.  So one day we get an unannounced suitcase on a plane from the embassy.  No labels, just a rather large, locked bag.  We stashed it in a huge tractor tire next to the hanger (let’s just say the airport was rustic).  We called in the host nation’s bomb squad- they X-Rayed it- wires and batteries on the inside.  Shit, this is not good.  They decided to blow the locks off and possible set off a sympathetic explosion if there was a bomb in the case.  Sounds like a plan.  Except the tech who set the charge put a little too much explosive on the locks.   So six of us are standing around holding M-16s, bomb techs with us, standing in a field.  The suspect suitcase was on the other side of a big ass rock.  Tech twists the detonator- we’re all expecting a pop and then maybe a bang if it’s a bomb.  Instead, BOOOOOM!  Dirt, rocks smoke everywhere.  Little bits of paper start raining down- something lands on my collar.  It’s a chocolate chip.  What the hell???  More cookie fragments rain down- someone finds a AA battery.  Something has gone wrong… 

 Turns out our liaison at the embassy decided to ship our mail on an extra suitcase- just didn’t let us know.  The batteries and wire?  Someone had a Walkman in a care package.  Yep, we blew up our mail- and cookies…