I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said… Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.