A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”.
The Sargent replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”
The captain said “My God man, that’s immoral!”
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!” The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The Sargent replied, “Uh…No sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women…”
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear….a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy’s room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
So, two guys are out camping. The tall one, Sam, gets up to go and relieve himself. Upon finishing his task, before he can zip up his fly, a diamondback rattler he had not seen strikes from beyond the dark, and bites him right on the tip of his penis. In excruciating pain, he grabs the offending menace, pulls it away from him, tosses it on the desert floor, reaches for his shotgun and kills it with one shot. But the damage is already done.
He staggers, woozy and severe distress back to the campfire, and says, “Joe, I’ve been bit by a rattler, right at the end of my Johnson!! What should I do?? Help me!”.
Joe calls 911 on his satellite phone. “Okay, but hurry up! Please!!” The operator patiently listens to the story and says, “in case of rattlesnake bite, you must make an incision above the bite wound, suck out the rattlesnake poison, and spit it out. If this is not carried out expeditiously, the recipient of the bite will die.”
Joe thinks about this for a minute.. Sam asks, “well, what the hell did they say???” Joe stops what he’s doing, looks at Sam and very solemnly says, “They said you’re going to die…”